This collection was sent to me by a friend whose name happens to be Larry, whom just for the sake of being silly and because I know at least three more guys named Larry, I’ll call my “other brother Larry.” If you remember the Newhart show, you know why that’s funny.

OK, you’d know this only if you ever had to translate a joke for someone who speaks another language. A true joke is something that is funny in any language. On the other hand, a pun, while still funny, depends on multiple meanings of a word in the same language; and of course it would be a fantastic coincidence if the word in another language would have the same multiple meanings and nuances.

1. And that’s when the fight started…

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s when the fight started…

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?

No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes…”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her,

“Do you know him?”

“Yes,” she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And that’s when the fight started…

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the shed, the boat, making beer,… always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,

“When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the clippings off the sidewalk.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And that’s when the fight started…

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I loaded up my golf bag into the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

“The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 15 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out golfing in that?”

And that’s when the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said,

“I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that’s when the fight started…

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said,

“Unbutton your shirt.”

So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said,

“That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed
my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said,

“You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”

And that’s when the fight started…

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

I replied, “Well, your eyesight’s perfect.”

And that’s when the fight started…

I rear-ended a car this morning… the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said,

“I am NOT Happy!”

So I said, “Well then, which one ARE you?”

And that’s when the fight started…


2. Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,

“Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 35 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.  So what do you think about that, Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake, he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang.’ Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.”

“Now, what do you think of that,” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”