Suggested questioning of John Kerry at his Senate hearing to confirm Obama’s appointment of him as Secretary of State. (The first half of the questions came from a friend; I made up Kerry’s answers. The second part is all mine.)

Senator, your life story is a long and storied one…well known throughout the world. And the Chair has praised your integrity and diplomatic experience.


I’d like to start by asking you to once again describe your famous Christmas Eve, secret mission into Cambodia, which I find most interesting since you weren’t even in SE Asia during the Christmas time of year?

Of course I was. You just don’t know about it because it was so secret.

Is consorting with our nations enemies part of your “Diplomatic Experience”… Like North Vietnam while we were at war? The Sandinistas while we were engaged in conflict in Central America? The butcher Assad and Saddam Hussein in the Middle East… And the Russians and Chinese when we were engaged in the Cold War?

YES (you moron). Consorting with the enemy IS the job of diplomats. Who else is going to do it, TRAITORS?

And would you explain to us how you recruited your fellow “Winter Soldiers” to come and testify before Congress about atrocities committed by our American Soldiers and Marines, when most of the so called witnesses you recruited were never even in the military, or had ever gone to Vietnam?

My expert witnesses earned their expertise by reading Soviet and Vietnik propaganda, as we all do in the State Department.

Remind us of your eye witness accounts of our Vietnam Veterans being as ruthless as the hordes of Gangues Khan? Tell us when and where you observed that first hand, Senator Kerry?

Why, it was all done in my presence, if not quite always with my approval or upon my orders. SOMEBODY had to provide credence to the propaganda….

And then I’d like to know why your citations for your Silver Stars were signed by a Secretary of the Navy many years after the war was over?

DUH, political payback… ever hear of it?

Is it true, as charged by eye witnesses, that your Purple Hearts were as a result of your own incompetence? Friendly fire by your own hand?

No, I was shot while I was mooning the enemy and reaching for my gun as my pants were falling down.

Why couldn’t you pass the Bar Exam, if you are so brilliant?

Who needs to? I am a law MAKER, I don’t need to know what I have not passed yet.

Why did you park your boat in Rhode Island? Was it to avoid taxes on it in your home state?

Make up your mind, do you think I am stupid or not? Of COURSE I am not STUPID…. not THAT stupid.

Is it true that your wealth was derived by marrying homely rich heiresses and widows?

Wealth is the true beauty, and they all look the same in the dark.

And why do the men who served with you in Vietnam universally hate your guts, along with 99.9% of all Vietnam Veterans?

Just jealous, I guess. The ignorant fools don’t appreciate careerism and self promotion.

Is it true that of all the men and women in the U.S. Senate, you are known to be the most egotistical of them all?

Now THAT is hard to tell. Aren’t we all just a bunch of self-serving preening blowhards around here? Don’t forget, the Senate is the world’s foremost DELIBERATIVE body. You MUST be very egotistical to make it there.

Is yours the face America wants to present to the rest of the world, a man who has made a career of lies and deceit, while smiling broadly?

You DO realize I am being appointed to the STATE department, don’t you? Where ELSE can you be more at home with talents like that?

Is there anyone who symbolizes the term; “Ugly American” more than you?

I am a great humanitarian, thank you. Totally selfless. I comfort rich widows, I promote all the right progressive causes. What’s “ugly” about that?

Can any foreign leader ever trust a single word out of your mouth?

Sure, if they are stupid enough. Like I said, I am being appointed to the STATE Department.

Are you the best that Democrats have to offer?

Well, of course not. Eh, you mean is this the best job I would go for, don’t you? The job of president is already taken. But yes, my party could do better. We could keep Hillary, or go with any of the female Democrat members of the Senate such as Barbara Lee, Sheila Jackson, Maxine Waters, etc. I just love it how those misogynistic Arabs cringe when they have to treat a woman as an equal.

Aren’t you an insult to all who have served?

To all who served in the State Department? No, absolutely not. You really don’t know the history of the State Department, do you? You do know, don’t you, the KGB files do prove that the State Department has been home to internationalist progressive thinkers since they took it over under FDR. I will be perfectly at home there.

Do you think the US should eliminate its nuclear deterrent unilaterally? If so, what would prompt other nuclear powers — China, Russia, India, Great Britain, France, Pakistan, North Korea, Iran — to follow  our example?

Absolutely. We will shame them into following our lead. Like Jesus said, turn the other cheek.

If we are to eliminate our nuclear arsenal as Obama wants to do, do you advocate a “star wars” defense to deter attack on the US?

Definitely not. The technology is unproven and extremely expensive. If the US is attacked, well, we ARE the Evil Empire and we DO deserve being punished for all our sins against other countries and races.

North Korea now has the capacity to deploy an EMP weapon against the US at any time; they have the bomb and the ICBM to carry it. What do you think the US response should be?

Surely your are not suggesting a preemptive strike, are you? We’d have to check with China, of course. But I think the US is sturdy enough to put up with the inconvenience of not having the internet for a little while.

Do you think the US military should serve America’s national interests or be in service only to the UN? Do you see ANY difference between the two?

No, I don’t. Since WW2 US foreign policy was in the service of the UN and should continue to remain so. There is nothing more evil in this world than nationalism, or thinking that the US is somehow superior to other nations just because we have an out-dated, decrepit Constitution irrelevant to modern times.

Do you think the US should be the policeman of the world and should engage our military in “police actions” such as Korea, Viet Nam, Kuwait, etc. ?

Well, sometimes I think, definitely yes and sometimes I think definitely no. It depends on the outcome. If its done in the name of preserving some right wing fascist oligarchy, then no. If  it’s for a great humanitarian cause such as putting a democratic peoples republic in place, then definitely yes.

Do you think the US law and the US Constitution should be subservient to the UN? What other countries can you name whose foreign and domestic policies are subject to UN approval or voluntarily subservient to the UN?

Absolutely yes. The US should set the example for the few nations that still hesitate to submit.

Do you think US foreign policy should be subservient to the UN?

I already answered that. It is not a question of being subservient, it is a question of using our might in the service of a cause greater than narrow selfish national interests.

Do you think US domestic policy should be subservient to the UN? Where do you stand on the UN Treaty on Small Arms, the UN Law of the Seas, Agenda 21 and other UN edits regarding domestic policies? Can you justify your opinion in terms the average American can understand?

The UN is poised to correct the many arrogant elitist mistakes of the rich white sexist slave owners that some today revere as the Founding Fathers. They institutionalized dog-eat-dog capitalism. We have to correct that with social justice for all, regardless of your country of origin or residence.

The Taliban just murdered six women for the crime of distributing polio vaccines. What do you think the proper response should be, from the US, the UN, and the “international community”?

I don’t believe anything you quote me from Fox News. Certainly if our troops were in the service of the UN, they would be welcome as basic security for civilian volunteers engaged in great humanitarian works.

Do you think our military should be engaged in endless small wars all over the world?

I answered that already. Yes, if it serves the cause of international progressivism and humanitarianism.

How would you bring an end to the war on terror, the war on drugs, the war on women, the war on self-defense, the war on Christianity, the war on … well, just name anything you care to, at this point, but do explain how you’d bring these “wars” to an end, and with it the excuse for enormous spending without any results to show for it.

To quote your idol, there you go again, trying to get me to react to Fox News. There is no war on terror except for the fact that we want their oil. There is no war on drugs except for the fact that the US is on the side of evil rich landowners, not the poor people who toil in the fields. Ther is no war on women except by the GOP who want to deny women basic health care. There is no war on self defense, except in the minds of yahoos like the NRA who think insane people have the right to go into an insane rage, shoot up schools and murder innocent children with automatic assault rifles. There is no war on Christianity, except by fundamentalist evangelist bigots who don’t understand that the freedom of religion applies to all religions and therefore we have to respect Islam and sharia, too.  I would bring all these wars to an end by implementing progressive policies of humanitarian social justice all over the world, and use America’s massive wealth to pay for a program of effective foreign aid.

Do you think the US military should remain an all volunteer force of professional (some would say, mercenary) soldiers, or should we bring back the draft? How do you think it affects US foreign policy either way?

We have seen in Viet Nam how even draftees turn into racist murderous thugs. It only got worse when we went all volunteer, as we have seen in Kuwait — the turkey shoot in Blood Alley, the relentless bombing of Baghdad; in Iraq — Abu Ghraib, the looting of the antiquities treasures, the mock trial of Saddam Hussein, the murder of entire families and villages in Fallujah, etc.; in Afghanistan — with the endless trials of soldiers for the murder, again, of entire families at a time. History proves that a mercenary military encourages foreign adventurism, and that an army of draftees brings the horror of war home to the people until they rise up to end it. So, yes, I think we should bring back the draft and make it universal, and give them all the blue helmet of UN peacekeepers.